Date: 11/6/2009

Dear Monica..or To a friend who doesn't care any more..

I don't quite know how to begin, to start with, I'm hurt. More to the point, you hurt me and I don't know what I did to deserve it. If had done something wrong, if I had said something out of turn, had we had an argument or falling-out it would be easier to bear and I'd be able to cut you out of my life as you cut me out of yours. Ignoring me was the worst thing you could do. It's killing me. A year of unanswered sms's, voicemails and the phone being put down in my ear. Forgetting my birthday was the end for me but I let it go. Or maybe not. I seem to remember sending what you would probably call a 'snotty' sms, to no avail. Then your birthday came. I called. You put the phone down without me even saying anything. Leaving a screaming voicemail probably wasn't the wisest move but I was too far gone by then to care. I wanted a reaction, hell, I needed a reaction! You actually responded by screaming back. Good for you (!) but it's not enough. I need to know why you started ignoring me. I'm not the kind of person that can just let things go. You sent an sms saying that you had 'changed'. Well, you certainly did! You had found a good job with better money and suddenly you didn't need anyone to complain to any more, to offload on, to listen to your endless sob-stories. So you decided that you had 'changed'. So where does that leave me? In limbo, that's where. Not knowing is the worst part. Lately I've been trying to convince myself that you died. It's preferable to think of you as dead, rather than alive and just not caring.Maybe I'm being melodramatic, maybe I just need to forget about you and move on but I can't. It's not my nature and you'd think that after a 12 year friendship you'd know that? Hmmmm... clearly you were less of friend that I thought. I'm sorry that we've been reduced to this. My sms's being ignored till I send what you deem to be a 'snotty' one and replying in a superior way, as if you suddenly think you're too good for me. Or maybe I was never good enough. I was just convenient. Some-one to moan to, a shoulder that was there EVERY TIME you needed it! I don't even know why I'm writing this. I know you'll never answer me. I just need some kind of closure. Call me. Fight with me. Scream at me and call me names. Then I'll have reason to hate you as much as you obviously hate me. Or at least have the guts to tell me we're no longer friends. Yes, I know people drift apart but we didn't do that. Suddenly you weren't there anymore and that devastated me. I'm never going to have another friend like you. Going by the way I feel right now I don't want another friend like you. You hurt me with your silence more than you'll ever know. So, please, let me know what I did so I don't do it to some-one else. If I have a failing that irked you, let me know.If I did something to offend you, let me know.If I insulted you, hurt you, pissed you off, let me know! If you tell me what it was that sparked off the silent treatment and can say that you want nothing more to do with me, then I'll be able to forget about you and move on. Until then all I have questions that go round and round in my head. Am I a terrible person? What did I say, or do, wrong? How can I make it right? Can I make it right? Is it possible for us to forget about this and go back to what we were? Friends? Maybe not the soul-mates I thought we were but at least a passing acquaintance is better than this impenetrable wall of silence between us. Please let me know. I deserve to know and you owe me that much.

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